-Bad Replicant-

[Laboratory of Dr. Weird, South Jersey Shore]

Dr. Weird: Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck and propel my lifeless body all the way to Phoenix!

Steve: Wow. Eh... what’s in Phoenix?

Dr. Weird: Why, it’s your mama, Steve! Get the axe!

-Cuts to Aqua Teen theme song-

[Plutonian Ship]

Oglethorpe: Look at it out there. Orbiting like it’s so cool. We will rule it with an army of replicants!

Emory: Uh, well we’ve only got the one.

Oglethorpe: Well, let’s start with the one. You know, feel it out. Then when we have that going on, we’ll crush them into bugs with our mighty replicant fleet!

Emory: Uh, sweet, heh.

Oglethorpe: Yes, hot damn. How long till the replicant cools?

Emory: Just a couple more days, man, and we’re all over it.

Oglethorpe: A couple d- it will be the weekend then! And I’m going to the lake with Fraulein Friessmonkur (sp?!).

Emory: He’s not really ready yet.

Oglethorpe: The hell he is not, yank him out of there. I’m water-skiing Saturday.

Emory: All right man, I’ll do it.

Oglethorpe: *Holding up a black and white picture of Shake* And he had better look EXACTLY LIKE THIS! Ahaha ha hahaha!

[Frylock’s room]

*Frylock and Meatwad sing from a hymn book while Shake stands at the side*

Frylock: Okay okay Meatwad, just Shake now.

Meatwad: Take it, Shake!

Frylock: Let it come from your heart, Shake.

Shake: Blah blah, wine blood...

Frylock: What are you doing?

Shake: What?

Frylock: You may be able to get away with that in church, Shake, but that’s not going to cut it here!

Shake: Why are we doing this?

Frylock: Because I want to join the church of the street. And Meatwad needs to learn some morals and values!

Shake: Look at him and tell me there’s a God!

Meatwad: He made me in his own image.

Shake: Oh yeah that’s right. God’s a big meatball. I forgot!

Meatwad: He is.

Shake: Does he stink like you do? *Phone rings* Hello?

Meatwad: I pray to him.

Oglethorpe: *On phone* Yes, guten abend. Is this Master Shake?

Shake: Why, is this Hollywood?

Oglethorpe: Ya. We have your headshot, and we casting a big movie. We think you’d be just perfect for the role of... THE STUPID EARTH SLAVE! *Laughs manically, and then in normal voice speaks again* You think you’d be interested?

Shake: I don’t know, you better speak to my agent. *Away from phone* I can’t believe it! This is it! Put out a t-shirt! *Hands the phone to Meatwad*

Meatwad: Yes, hello. We want three million up front, fifteen percent gross domestic and international, all merchandise and- (Shake: Don’t forget about a copy of the movie!) Hold on.

Shake: And on VHS!

Meatwad: One VHS copy of the movie.

Shake: You hear that? Do what he said!

Oglethorpe: That is good. I’d like to run through the script with you. Why don’t you come outside RIGHT NOW?

Shake: Hell yeah! Let’s go! *Opens the front door to see Oglethorpe standing in the street*

Oglethorpe: *Heading into ship* This is where the movie is! *Shake eagerly follows*

[Plutonian Ship]

Shake: Okay, who am I reading with?

Oglethorpe: Go stand over there. Next to him.

Shake: Oh my God, this is amazing! *Is looking at Major Shake*

Major Shake: What’s up, fellas?

Emory: Yeah, we just need to ya- yank this out of your head...

Oglethorpe: Don’t touch him! He’s a PERFECT CLONE.

Emory: Um, he looks a little small.

Oglethorpe: Quick! Give him some heels, now!

Major Shake: I’m supposed to be this guy? Are you insane?

Shake: You killed him, Stereo! This Christmas. That’ll be the tag line, I can see it now. I made that up, remember I get
points on that too, okay?

*Oglethorpe starts dragging Major Shake away*

Major Shake: Can I ask you a quick question?

Oglethorpe: There is no time. You have your mission, see that it’s accomplished.

Major Shake: Uh, no I don’t.

[Frylock’s room]

*Frylock and Meatwad are still singing hymns*

Major Shake: Well, hallelujah! How’re you guys?

Meatwad: Who are you?

Major Shake: Your b- your best friend, remember? Major Shake? Mister Shake? Hey! Let’s do some of the things that we like to do... together... together.

Frylock: Okay, everyone into the cart. Let’s all go give blood.

Major Shake: Yeah, the blood drive! My favorite!

Frylock: That was a trick.

Meatwad: It was?

Frylock: The real Master Shake thinks that the blood drive is a pyramid scheme, perpetrated by Dracula and his night slaves.

Meatwad: Yeah, that’s right! And he ain’t my best friend, neither! He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic and pours liquid on my head that sting, and freeze me with a fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can’t remember cuz he shot me in the head with a car battery! With a bunch of clamps and sponges...

Frylock: Yeah yeah yeah, okay Meatwad, okay. And I know he ain’t got no stereo sticking out the side of his neck!

Major Shake: You’re not buying it, are you?

Frylock: Hell no!

Meatwad: You need to come hit me. Then I’d believe you.

Major Shake: Yeah, let me get out of these heels.

Meatwad: Sure, make yourself comfortable. (Major Shake: Ow, ow, ow...) Can I get you anything?

Frylock: Where’s the real Shake?

[Plutonian Ship]

Shake: Green guy! Where’s the craft service table around here, I’m hungry and I need the prop guy, I need some sunglasses for the scene...

Oglethorpe: There is no scene!

Shake: Who am I playing, cuz my character will need to know that.

Emory: Yeah Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy?

Oglethorpe: I’m starting to.

Emory: And how annoying he was? Remember that?

Oglethorpe: YES, and how he scoffed at our magazines!

Emory: So... like uh, what were we going to do with him?

Oglethorpe: We will use him for the armies... of the night!

Emory: Well I thought we were going to use the replicant down there to do an army of the night.

Oglethorpe: DIFFERENT ARMY, DORKFACE! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy. Do you see how my mind works?! It’s like a laser!

Shake: You know, I know you from somewhere.

Oglethorpe: He must not know who we are! Paint the Mind Room!

Emory: I’m- I’m still not done with the trim on that.

[Aqua Teen Living Room]

Major Shake: Yeah, they’re uh, they’re real stupid. One time, they were going to erase this guy’s mind, but they didn’t want to fork out the cash for the mind-obliteration gun. As if one existed, right?

Frylock: Th- they don’t?

Major Shake: Anyway, they put a guy in the closet. They paint it, they paint the closet, right?

Frylock: Right.

Major Shake: They put the guy in there, thinking that the paint fumes will, you know, make him forget?

Frylock: Yeah?

Major Shake: So that uh, he wouldn’t tell his mom we hit him in the head with a hammer.

Frylock: Oh, are you ki- Meatwad, it’s not polite to stare!

Meatwad: Well, look at him.

Major Shake: No, it’s okay. I know, I’m totally hideous.

Meatwad: Nah, it- it’s cool, I just wondered if that jambox worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that’s why I’m all puffy back here.

Major Shake: Hang on, let me see. *Attempts to hit the stereo with his misshapen straw-hand. Music begins* There we go.

Meatwad: *Singing* BIG CITY NIGHTS!

Frylock: So how were you made? Were you cloned from Shake’s DNA?

Major Shake: Are you kidding? They gave me his photo, threw me in a pizza oven, called it a pod, and told me to wing it. And that it would be cool, and that it would work, and clearly it didn’t.

Frylock: Hmm, I think I met those guys before. They’re not exactly... intelligent.

Major Shake: Gee, could you tell by the giant hairy bosoms that are growing in my back?

[Plutonian Ship]

Oglethorpe: Why isn’t the earth deterraforming?

Emory: Well, he needs to gain their confidence, and then uh, he can get um, a job, and then he can start buying pesticides.

Oglethorpe: That could take WEEKS! Look over there, that’s doing some deterraformation. Right?

Emory: No man, that’s Hawaii.

Shake: What’s up with the closet? (Oglethorpe: DAMMNIT!) There’s nothing to do in there.

Oglethorpe: Get back in the mind room! Emory, lock the door!

Emory: Y- you told me to paint over the lock.

Oglethorpe: Oh, for son of a... IMPRISON HIM WITHIN THE RINGS!

Shake: What the heck.

Oglethorpe: You’ll never move from that spot again. Unless you like being cut in half.

Shake: Yello?

Oglethorpe: THE LASER RINGS!

Shake: Look brother, these ain’t nothing but disco lights.

Emory: No, the installer said they were prison laser rings. I- I believed him.

Oglethorpe: Don’t listen to him, for he is a witch!

Shake: Look, there’s somebody on the phone, all right? I gotta go.

Oglethorpe: Well, give it to us. Before you possess us with one of your spells!

Shake: Yeah I’m telling you, these rings...

Oglethorpe: OH MY... the rings! You’ll drop dead soon. Hello?

Major Shake: Hey uh, what’s up guys?

Oglethorpe: Oh hi uh, Major Shake, how’s that plan going?

Major Shake: What plan? Look, they know. They can see the real Shake over there and your freakin’ disco lights.

Oglethorpe: Why does everyone say these are disco lights?

Shake: Look at me, I’m in a movie!

Meatwad: Hey Shake!

Oglethorpe: YOU! Go... into the bathroom!

Shake: I dunno... I don’t want the deadly rings to cut me...

Oglethorpe: GO!

Emory: How’s the deterraforming going?

Major Shake: When uh... what is deterraforming? This is the first I’ve heard of it.

Oglethorpe: Well look, look just settle down. Can you just like, maybe try and replicate some other people (Emory: Yeah) and get them all going, and then, you know, uh, take over the planet...

Emory: Or is that not possible?

Major Shake: I don’t know, I don’t think I can replicate others. Was that your plan?

Oglethorpe: Well, one of them. We have many plans.

Major Shake: Well, maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is.

Oglethorpe: Well look. Settle down, it’s all cool, man.

Major Shake: No. Look at me, man. I’m a leaky, disgusting abomination. And I’m not going to do it anymore. You know what? I’m just not going to do it anymore.

Oglethorpe: Okay, look just hang loose for about uh, twenty minutes.

Emory: Yeah. Just um, just chill, and uh, we’ll get back to you with some notes.

Oglethorpe: Believe me, this will be so cool when we figure it out. But whatever you do, keep them in the dark about your identity. Transmission out!

Frylock: Did they not see me sitting here?!

Major Shake: No, I’m sure they did, it’ll... it’ll come to them later.

[Plutonian Ship]

Oglethorpe: OH DAMMNIT! That was that man, the fry man, he saw us!

Emory: Seriously?

Shake: Geez, you guys got some amazing space-age tubes! Running every which way in there.

Oglethorpe: Oh yeah, they’re called PIPES. You should get some!

[Frylock’s room]

Major Shake: Man, do uh, do you have a car?

Meatwad: Well, we got a cart. Did you want me to pull you somewhere?

Major Shake: No, that’ll take forever. Look, I’ll just uh, replicate your neighbor’s rig. That’ll work.

Frylock: I thought you said you couldn’t replicate other things.

Major Shake: Well, I don’t... KNOW that I can’t do it. I will need one of those amazing space-age... you know, tubes.

Frylock: What, a pipe?

Major Shake: Yeah, that.

Meatwad: So, is he like, replicating it, or...

*Major Shake is seen hitting Carl’s windshield with the pipe*

Frylock: No, he’s hot-wiring it.

Meatwad: Oh. Well shoot, I was hoping I’d learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn’t it Frylock?

Frylock: Yeah, it... it sure is, Meatwad.

Meatwad: Like how did I ever evolve from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff, boy. Like them tails? The tails that make them fly?

Frylock: Shut up, damn.

Major Shake: *Driving past* See ya! It’s been real!

[Frylock’s room]

*Oglethorpe and Emory are seen on Frylock’s computer screen*

Emory: Really? Did- did he say where he was going? I... your friend. Major Shake.

Frylock: Look, I know he was a replicant sent here to deterraform our planet. Which would never have worked, by the way. It’s not even a word.

Oglethorpe: What are you talking about? Don’t flatter yourself with your jealous fantasies. What do you want us to do, sign your freakin’ yearbook?!

Emory: Okay look, if you see him, could you just tell him to get going on the crab-training project, and he’ll know what you’re talking about, it’s cool.

Frylock: Okay. We’ll pass that on.

Oglethorpe: Danke.

Emory: Hey uh, do you know anything about crustacean enlarging, or uh, training?

Oglethorpe: Oh forget it, Emory! Your pathetic {I don’t know what it says, but it sounds like "fang mountain") ruined my plans once again!

[Carl’s pool]

Frylock: So did they um, ever find your car?

Carl: Oh they found part of it, you know. Hanging from a trestle near the turnpike? Yeah, the cops said he had a... a straw-like protrusion and a cuplike body. You know anybody like that?

Frylock: Oh, well it wasn’t Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon.

Carl: Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course.

Frylock: He was. Seriously.

Carl: I hate you.

[Plutonian Ship]

Emory: So, what are we going to do with the prisoner?

Oglethorpe: We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticas. *Disco ball descends and starts spinning* Orbnauticas, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use? *Long pause as disco ball spins*

Emory: Maybe he’s sleeping.

Oglethorpe: DO NOT INSULT ORBNAUTICAS OR YOU SHALL BE DAMNED FOREVER TO THE FORBIDDEN ZONE!

Emory: I’m just sayin’... that maybe we should call the installer. I mean, it’s the same guy that did the laser rings. And the-

Oglethorpe: THE PRISONER! HE’S ESCAPED!

Shake: I’m over here. Hey, that disco ball’s pretty cool.

Oglethorpe: This is Orbanauticas, and he is all-knowing.

Shake: Then why isn’t he saying jack crap?

Emory: Yeah man, how come?

Oglethorpe: Because silence is his wisdom. Obviously he’s busy navigating us through the stars and the- *He notices that the ship is about to crash* OH MY GOODNESS! Go go go, do not look back!

Emory: I’m going!

Oglethorpe: Just go!

-Cuts to Aqua Teen End Song-